I decided to do a set of blogs that are personal stories of mine titled Uneasy. Uneasy are times when I have felt unsafe in a situation or unsure of a situation and when my self-awareness really kicked in. These memories stick out to me. I did not know what self-awareness was until a couple of years ago so it’s nice to reflect on these times. Enjoy.
A few years back I made the decision to go visit someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. I started getting red flags before I even left my apartment.
Red flag #1: It was late night. This person wanted me to visit him well after 11pm. In the past this would’ve been no big deal. I wouldn’t have thought twice about “visiting” someone in the middle of the night but for some reason something was telling me to stay in.. I ignored my gut feeling.
Red flag #2: When I agreed to see him I initially told him to come to me. I was told his car was in the shop.
I continued to ignore my intuition and proceeded to make the trip anyways. I vividly remember once I was approaching the exit telling myself out loud, “Why am I doing this?” This is when the uneasiness begun.. I continued anyways.
Once I arrived the door was open. Although the living room T.V. was on everything else in the house was pitch dark. Something about that made me feel instantly uncomfortable.
He wanted a hug and I gave him one but it didn’t feel right. He made it clear what he wanted from me. He continued to hug me but he slid his hands down the back of my leggings. I pushed him away from me and told him to stop. He stopped immediately and said, “I can’t force you”.
I stayed anyways.
He put on Netflix and asked me what I wanted to watch. “Something scary”. Scary movies are my favorite. It was foolish of me to think that he cared about what I wanted to watch. Netflix and chill.. is what he had in mind.
The whole time I was there I became more and more uncomfortable. Something wasn’t right. I got bad vibes from him. He seemed angry and annoyed. I didn’t feel he was angry with me, but about something else or at someone else before I got there.
I was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him and he asked why I was so far away. He wanted me to come closer. I didn’t feel comfortable but I did it anyways…He started to touch me and I moved away from him again. It just didn’t feel right. I let him know that I was celibate. He made me feel like he didn’t take it seriously.
I grew more and more anxious. I began to look outside the window for some reason. ( I am not sure what I was looking for). I grabbed my keys. He seemed surprised and asked if I was leaving. I told him I was in a minute.
I couldn’t be there any longer. It just didn’t feel right. Why was he coming off as angry and aggressive? Why was it so dark? And where was his car?
I left shortly after that. I got in my car and blasted music while I sped away. I wasn’t angry with him I just felt unsafe.
I felt bad for leaving so abruptly.
I can’t remember correctly but the next day or possibly a few days later I messaged him.
He ignored me.
During this time I was really working on getting closer to God. Because I had the feeling that he was going through a tough time, I ordered a dog tag with my favorite verse on it, Phillipians 4:13.
I messaged him again to let him know I wanted him to have this. He declined and made sure I didn’t send it to him. Red Flag.
About a year later, I got together with some new “friends” I had made and drank like we always did. I still hadn’t kicked the habit of over drinking. That night I dropped my friend off and drove home. I remember laying in bed with the room spinning around me. I felt so sick.
I had gotten in a bad habit of texting people when I was drunk, so of course I messaged him and then fell asleep.
I will not go into anymore details after that. But I finally confirmed what i suspected was making me feel so uneasy that night a year prior.
That day I decided to stop drinking…
God works in mysterious ways.
Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”