Hello from Eehall1! 

Hi there, I am new to the world of blogging! It has been a long day so this first post will be an introduction. This information can also be found in the bio section on my site. . .

“I am a 24 year old college freshman majoring in Psychology with hopes of becoming a counselor of some sort. In recent years, education & self love have become a big part of my life. My blogs will have a multitude of topics. A few topics I would like to touch on is: religion, education, marriage, children, sex, mental health, love, recent news.. and whatever else comes up. “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” – Aristotle Enjoy! Love, Ebony.”

I can’t wait to share my thoughts on the topics mentioned above! You can say I am an “over-thinker” , but I think of myself as a critical thinker.  “Critical thinking: the intellectually disciplined process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and/or evaluating information gathered from, or generated by, observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, or communication, as a guide to belief and action”. So many valuable life lessons take place when you take the time to reflect on life. I could go on with that topic all night but I’ll end it at that!

Until next time, Ebony. 


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Dear Diary: 11.19.17

 At this moment I am feeling like an outcast. The thing is, there is no one around.

I have the urge to stay in the house. I’m feeling emotional and embarrassed. 

There is no real reason for me to feel this way.

Yesterday, I was going through this as well. I believe that hiding it at work left me in worse shape. 

By the time 11:30p rolled around I was eager to be away from everyone. 

My mood changed. Unfortunately, they may have noticed.

 It’s 9:14am and I woke with that feeling of shame and embarrassment. Recently, I have found myself eating more and wanting to seclude myself. 

Although I want to seclude, I will try not to. Being around people will be out of my comfort zone, but I need to be out of that comfort zone during these months. 

The “comfort zone” will only intensify these emotions. I will have in my head that I am embarrassing and should be ashamed. Once I’m in that mind set it will be difficult to come out. 

Understand, that I will.

I want people to know that it is possible to gain control over your anxiety and depression. It will not just go away. You have to live with it. Get to know yourself so well that you can detect early signs of your anxiety and depression. 

Be aware. 

Notice when there’s a change in your mood and how you are feeling towards yourself and others. Do not let these emotions take control of your life. 

Get out of the house and have a support system in place. People who understand what you are going through. You will need these people to help you through hard days.And my last tip. The most important of all…

Be patient and trust God. 

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” –  Charles Spurgeon

– Ebony 

Beauty Standards

I started growing body hair at a rapid rate when I hit puberty and unfortunately it has covered my whole body! From face, to back, to stomach, to thighs. Hair seems to be everywhere! 

I’ve definitely struggled with accepting the fact that I am super hairy, especially during my teenage and early 20s, but now I am beginning to get used to it.. I mean I do not have a choice! 

I first discovered that i was growing facial hair during class one day in highschool and the girl next to me says, “You have chin hair”.Believe it or not I didn’t realize until people began pointing it out! This began my obsession with hiding it from the world. 

I immediately shaved it, and that was the absolute worse thing I ever did. It grew back thicker and my skin was so irritated that it broke out in HUGE razor bumps. I tried to cover it up with make-up but all it did was make it worse. I also used Nair hair removal but after years of use it has left my face darker in the area of growth. I’m assuming this is because Nair is a chemical and It was basically burning my face each time I used it.

 I was overly self-conscious and know for a fact that this added to my already existing depression and anxiety. I began to notice friends, family, and strangers starring at my face. Of course I didn’t say anything, but this added to the insecurity. 

Since then, I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is not that big of deal (alot of women have it) but when I first found out I was devastated to learn that the body hair is here forever and the possibility of infertility because of the cyst on my ovaries! 

Now, my face is waxed regularly. Unfortunately, I still breakout. I’ve grown use to my body hair and I’m slowly (very slowly) beginning to accept it. 

Honestly, I feel more beautiful now than I ever have. What has helped me begin to accept it the most are those people who say, “so what you have facial hair?”. I guess before I believed that looks determined my value. .

I am a perfect imperfection. 

‘There is no real beauty without some slight imperfection.” – James Salter 

-Ebony


Diary: 11.8.17

Dairy is a set of blogs that will follow my mood through the late Fall, Winter, and Early Spring months. Usually, when daylight savings ends this is the beginning of a very difficult season for me (November – March). You will see this through my writings. So they may be very emotional! What I write is what I’m feeling at the moment, even if it is fictional. I’m so excited to put those current feelings on “paper”. I feel they will benefit me in the future. You will also notice when Spring arrives my mood will lighten up dramatically.

So far I have been extremely tired, but I am sure this is because of the time change. This could be one reason why I have struggled with these months in the past. 

Last year when the time changed, I was miserable. It was unexpected. I never realized how much it effected me, for some reason last year I was fully aware of the change in myself immediately. 

At that time I was struggling with a statistics course (which had really stressed me out) by the end of the semester I was wore out. Although I had passed with a B, I was feeling unhappy as though I had failed. I struggled to find the motivation to go to work and make it through the day. 

When Spring semester approached I was not fully prepared and felt I was not capable of handling the stress of college. I decided to take a break. I did not want to take the risk of failing any courses.

Those four months were very difficult. I had trouble sleeping at night and felt tired all day. Many times I thought I was failing in life and feared that I had blown my chance at college. I believed that if you ever stopped going you would never go back. 

I was lonely and hurt. I found myself growing distant from God and I stopped attending church. I began wanting to be active (but I put in too much time and work to ruin it). I told myself I had to get through the depression. I woke up some mornings and cried. After a nice session of crying I always felt better. 

(To be continued…) 

“you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit.” – Lemony Snicket

-Ebony

Celibacy & me.

Celibacy (along with giving myself to God) has been the best decision I’ve made in life so far. I’ve really gotten to know myself and grow over the last 3 years. I still can’t believe I actually did it. Never in a million years did I expect  to be celibate and on top of that stay celibate. 

Back when I was still active and living at my mother’s house the idea crossed my mind but I quickly let the thought go because “there was no way I could stop having sex”. I was in too deep. That sentence was my exact words to myself every time I thought about it. I honestly didn’t think I was capable of being celibate.At that time I had lost all self-worth. My mindset was that sex was all I was good for. 

The first year flew by. I was 7 months in before I mentally made the decision to be celibate. This came after a very rough period of my life. I had become disgusted with sex and the men I involved myself with. 

The last night I was active I literally left his house in the middle of the night and never looked back. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of him touching me. I was physically and mentally sick of it. 

I often wonder if I’ll ever find someone I will fill 100% safe with. I don’t feel it is possible. I don’t think I’ll be able to shake the memories. 

But at the same time I find myself wanting marriage and children, after I have a career. It’s a tough situation. I could date right now if I tried but I know I am not ready for even that. 

Just the other day my counselor asked if I was dating and why not. I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I’m not ready? I haven’t met anyone? I’m scared? I don’t feel like I’m good enough? 

The truth is it is all of these things. 

I am so content right now. Something I have never been. So many “what if’s” run through my mind with that question. What if I date someone who ruins my peace?What if I fall for the wrong person? What if I am rejected?

I’m just not ready.

Celibacy is such a deep topic for me. It is so much more than sex. It is not easy. It has forced me to analyze my life and relationships. I now have a clearer view on what I want in life. My out look is positive. I am brighter. I am working on being humble and I respect everyone. I am trying my best to forgive others but most importantly myself. If I wasn’t celibate right now I doubt I would be able to do any of these things. 

“Celibacy goes deeper than the flesh.”          – F.Scott Fitzgerald

-Ebony

Stay Focused.

Holding on to negativity takes my focus away from goals. When I feel I am being distracted I pause to fix the problem, then continue on with reaching my goal. 

For example: (real situation)

My biggest goal right now is to complete this semester with all A’s.  This goal takes alot of hard work, time management and patience. I must stay focused on this goal. Because I live on my own I must work. But the hours I work are cutting in to study time, and forcing me to study later in the evening. Also, my job is going through alot of changes,has no structure, and has new management who can not be satisfied. This is leaving me mentally tired,as well as, feeling that I am not doing anything right. Because of the situation with my job, my focus is being taken away from school.

 I needed to “fix the problem” and refocus. 

How?

1. Self-awareness: First of all, I recognized that my work situation was leaving me tired and irritable. I found myself dreading work and once I got there I was angry and anxious to leave. I felt that if I stayed in the situation I would end up walking out without notice. But if I did that I would not have the money I need to pay my bills on time. 

2. Do what’s best for me: Once I realized that I was unhappy I took the time to decide if I wanted to quit or not. The situation continued so I decided to put in a few applications. Once I got an interview I put in a two week notice. It took a month or so for me to make this decision. 

3. Stay self-motivated: During this time I was still in classes and had papers, homework, and test due. I had to push the issue of a job to the back of my mind and focus on my ultimate goal. I had to work through the frustration and tiredness. 

4. Self-determination: ” the process by which a person controls their own life”. This job should not have control over anything in my life. My mindset was that the job should satisfy and benefit me, not try to control me. I did not allow this job to control my happiness. 

5. Trust God: this one is self-explanatory, I trust that God will take care of me. Remember to pray, and thank him for all he has done. I do not pray or attend church as I should, but I thank God throughout the day and in my prayers. I try to remember that I need to be thankful for all God has done for me. This reassures me that he is with me and will continue to be. These conversations with God gives me a sense of peace. (I put this as #5 but this should be #1).

Remember…

 Things may not always turn out the way you hope. Just because I have a new job and I’m doing well in my classes do not mean that it will stay that way in the future. I believe there is a reason for everything and with every misfortune we will grow and learn. . .The wonders of life! 
“Successful people maintain a positive focus in life no matter what is going on around them. They stay focused on their past successes rather than their past failures, and on the next action steps they need to take to get them closer to the fulfillment of their goals rather than all the other distractions that life presents to them.” – Jack Canfield

Hope you enjoyed!

-Ebony

I Can’t be With You: The  Female Response 

I am unsure what to say or think when you tell me how beautiful I am, and that you can’t be with me in the same breath…

Your love is so gentle and sweet. I feel..felt..safe in your arms.. we share the same heart beat. 

But how am I suppose to feel when you say you can’t be with me?..

I want to respect your decision and not be selfish, but I have to put myself first..No one else will do it..

 I fell in love with your flaws and imperfections…

You say you don’t know how to love, well neither do I. I’ve struggled with it my whole life. Many people have walked in and out of my life as if I do not matter… 

I feel used. I feel not good enough.. I feel like an idiot for allowing you in my heart. When you leave, another layer will be added to the wall. It has to be solid. 

I see how easy it is for you to leave me alone. And because it is so easy for you, I am left without trust. 

 The difference between you and I is that I would never walk away from the one I love. I don’t wish that pain on my worse enemy.

 l would never walk away from you.  

How could you? Because you don’t want to hurt me? When you you made the decision to walk away the damage had been done..

Now I have to mend what’s broken. 

To do this it will take time and patience. I will focus on my goals and continue to better myself. I will not be bitter and I will forgive..but I will not forget the hurt you have caused me… 

My life must..My life will continue.

Since you’ve made your decision the only thing I ask of you is to stay gone. No messages or phone calls. 

No “how’s it been?”. No I miss you’s. No hello’s or goodbye’s. When we cross paths do not acknowledge me and I will return the favor.. No hugs, kisses, or smiles. . 

I will not allow you to torture me with the false hope of love. 

Topic: Success

As you all know I am currently a college student. Yesterday I got the opportunity to  learn about two powerful people: Jeff Bezos and Genevieve Thiers.

Jeff Bezos: the founder and owner of Amazon, he is worth 82.9 Billion dollars.  This company was launched in 1994 as a website were customers could buy books. As we all know Amazon has grown into a billion dollar company and sells almost any and everything you could possibly think of. Bezos packed his things, left his home in New York City and told the truck driver to head West… Jeff Bezos had no clue where he was going to live west, but told the driver that he’ll give him a destination in a few days. Bezos decided to move to the same city as Bill Gates: Seattle, Washington. He ran the business from his new home in Seattle. He used doors made into desk instead of buying a desk for his office. There was a reason to this. Frugality: “We try not to spend money on things that don’t matter to customers”. Some pointed out that it cost more to make the desk out of a door than to go out and buy one. But the true difference is that he took what he had and made it into something that benefited him, just as he used the limited resources he had to create Amazon.

Genevieve Thiers: is the founder and owner of Sittercity, a website where moms can find trusted babysitters for their children. Genevieve was the oldest of 7 children growing up, and babysat for a living during her early years. She was a talented singer and attended college to pursue a career in Opera. At one point she thought that maybe that dream would not come true. One day she was looking out of her window when she seen a very pregnant woman walking up a flight of 200 stairs. She ran out to assist the lady with hanging flyers. This is were she got the idea of Sittercity.  Being a woman she had to overcome a lot of obstacles to be taken seriously. Genevieve says that many times she was the only woman in  a boardroom full of older white men, and although she was  the founder the men told her that she was only there to be “the voice of moms”. Genevieve’s Sittercity became a huge success and she went on to found many different companies. She also finished college, is now a performer, and founded an Opera company.

Why i decided to write about Jeff Bezos and Genevieve Thiers?

I decided to take the time to write a quick piece on the two because I was inspired by their motivation and determination. What inspires me the most about Jeff Bezos is that there was a point in Amazon history that it dropped by 98%, this is practically a total lose of value. Many people never knew that this happened considering how successful Amazon is today. Jeff Bezos was determined and did not let any inconvenience stand in his way of his dreams for Amazon and because of that determination he is worth 82.9 billion dollars today.  He is just a few billion from Bill Gates ( co-founder of Microsoft) at 89.3 billion dollars.

Genevieve inspired me because of how open she is about her struggles with depression and anxiety. She said with a smile on her face that her family has a long history with the two illnesses and that she takes Lexapro (an anti-depressant) daily to deal with her symptoms. This literally made me smile and I am thankful that her message crossed paths with me. I too have a long family history of depression and anxiety and I also take Lexapro daily to deal with the symptoms. I have often wondered if someone who has these struggles can succeed.. and yesterday I got my answer!

It was amazing to here the stories of Jeff Bezos and Genevieve Thiers. It gave me another push to keep going and following my dream of becoming  Dr. Ebony E. Hall.

I can’t be with you. (The male perspective). 

Baby, just leave me be. I am not sure what to say to make it better.

I can’t be with you.

You deserve better than what I can offer….Your openess, your loyalty…You’re beauty. Baby, you’re beautiful..

I can’t be with you.

I can’t love you.Well, I can’t love. I don’t know how, I was never shown.My dad never taught me. He never showed me.He never loved me or my mother. And my mom… well, she tried. We’ve been through a lot. You shouldn’t have to deal with my problems. I’m stubborn and hardheaded…

I’m broken.

You shouldn’t love me. You shouldn’t have to. Baby, I will hurt you. You deserve more.

I can’t be with you.

Storytime: Uneasy #2

I decided to do a set of blogs that are personal stories of mine titled Uneasy. Uneasy are times when I have felt unsafe in a situation or unsure of a situation and when my self-awareness really kicked in. These memories stick out to me. I did not know what self-awareness was until a couple of years ago so it’s nice to reflect on these times. Enjoy. 

Uneasy #2

A few years back I made the decision to go visit someone who I hadn’t seen in a while. I started getting red flags before I even left my apartment.

Red flag #1: It was late night. This person wanted me to visit him well after 11pm. In the past this would’ve been no big deal. I wouldn’t have thought twice about “visiting” someone in the middle of the night but for some reason something was telling me to stay in.. I ignored my gut feeling. 

Red flag #2: When I agreed to see him I initially told him to come to me. I was told his car was in the shop. 

I continued to ignore my intuition and proceeded to make the trip anyways. I vividly remember once I was approaching the exit telling myself out loud, “Why am I doing this?” This is when the uneasiness begun.. I continued anyways. 

Once I arrived the door was open. Although the living room T.V. was on everything else in the house was pitch dark. Something about that made me feel instantly uncomfortable. 

He wanted a hug and I gave him one but it didn’t feel right. He made it clear what he wanted from me. He continued to hug me but he slid his hands down the back of my leggings. I pushed him away from me and told him to stop. He stopped immediately and said, “I can’t force you”. 

I stayed anyways. 

He put on Netflix and asked me what I wanted to watch. “Something scary”. Scary movies are my favorite. It was foolish of me to think that he cared about what I wanted to watch. Netflix and chill.. is what he had in mind. 

The whole time I was there I became more and more uncomfortable. Something wasn’t right. I got bad vibes from him. He seemed angry and annoyed. I didn’t feel he was angry with me, but about something else or at someone else before I got there. 

I was sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him and he asked why I was so far away. He wanted me to come closer.  I didn’t feel comfortable but I did it anyways…He started to touch me and I moved away from him again. It just didn’t feel right. I let him know that I was celibate. He made me feel like he didn’t take it seriously. 

I grew more and more anxious. I began to look outside the window for some reason. ( I am not sure what I was looking for). I grabbed my keys. He seemed surprised and asked if I was leaving. I told him I was in a minute. 

I couldn’t be there any longer. It just didn’t feel right. Why was he coming off as angry and aggressive? Why was it so dark? And where was his car? 

I left shortly after that. I got in my car and blasted music while I sped away. I wasn’t angry with him I just felt unsafe. 

I felt bad for leaving so abruptly.

I can’t remember correctly but the next day or possibly a few days later I messaged him. 

He ignored me. 

During this time I was really working on getting closer to God. Because I had the feeling that he was going through a tough time, I ordered a dog tag with my favorite verse on it, Phillipians 4:13.

I messaged him again to let him know I wanted him to have this. He declined and made sure I didn’t send it to him. Red Flag. 

About a year later, I got together with some new “friends” I had made and drank like we always did. I still hadn’t kicked the habit of over drinking. That night I dropped my friend off and drove home. I remember laying in bed with the room spinning around me. I felt so sick. 

I had gotten in a bad habit of texting people when I was drunk, so of course I messaged him and then fell asleep. 

I will not go into anymore details after that. But I finally confirmed what i suspected was making me feel so uneasy that night a year prior.

That day I decided to stop drinking…

God works in mysterious ways.

Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”


Storytime: Uneasy #1

I do alot of things by myself, this is personal time for me. Time to enjoy myself without worrying about school or work. 

Yesterday I decided to have lunch after class at one of my favorite places, Cici’s Pizza. While I walked to my seat I passed an older gentleman. He said hi and I politely said hello and continued walking. I did not like the look in his eyes. 

Later when I was finishing up my meal he came over and asked if he could sit with me. I politely said yes….but inside I wanted nothing more than for him to go away. 

I have no issue with sitting and speaking with a stranger. Actually, I love getting to know people but I already knew what he was up to. He didn’t have to say anything. I knew what he wanted when he first said hello. 

I was wearing a blue jean skirt that went down to my knees, tights underneath them and a button up long sleeve shirt. I believe I looked very modest. … Even with being completely covered up I still attracted a man out to “get to know me”. 

He sat opposite of me and began to speak. The conversation started normal. We discussed a motorcycle accident that happened near the restaurant. I began to think that maybe all he wanted was someone to talk to. 

But then he asked if I had children. 

I politely said No. 

He then asked if I wanted children

I told him the truth, that I am indecisive when it comes to that matter.

 He mentioned that he wasn’t married.

 I ignored his statement. 

He compliments my dimples.

I told him I get them from my father. ..

During this conversation a million things ran through my head. His presence made me feel a little fear. 

Unfortunately I’ve felt uneasy around men for the last few years. And when I say men, I really mean men who want to be “with” me. 

I feel the need to get away, because to them I am an object. I have no worth or value. I can be used when needed and  thrown out when finished. 

As soon as he decided to go back for more pizza I politely told him that I should get going and that it was nice meeting and speaking with him. 

The truth is. I wish he never would’ve came to my table.