Hello from Eehall1! 

Hi there, I am new to the world of blogging! It has been a long day so this first post will be an introduction. This information can also be found in the bio section on my site. . .

“I am a 24 year old college sophomore majoring in Psychology with hopes of becoming a counselor of some sort. In recent years, education & self love have become a big part of my life. My blogs will have a multitude of topics. A few topics I would like to touch on is: religion, education, marriage, children, sex, mental health, love, recent news.. and whatever else comes up. “Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” – Aristotle Enjoy! Love, Ebony.”

I can’t wait to share my thoughts on the topics mentioned above! You can say I am an “over-thinker” , but I think of myself as a critical thinker.  “Critical thinking: the intellectually disciplined process of actively and skillfully conceptualizing, applying, analyzing, synthesizing, and/or evaluating information gathered from, or generated by, observation, experience, reflection, reasoning, or communication, as a guide to belief and action”. So many valuable life lessons take place when you take the time to reflect on life. I could go on with that topic all night but I’ll end it at that!

Until next time, Ebony. 


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Expectations.

For an odd reason the word expectation is in my mind tonight. I have felt uneasy today. But not the uneasy that comes with fear. The uneasy that comes with a heightened sense of awareness. It’s as if I have two sides of my awareness that are interacting with one another. One side worries that I may be making the wrong decisions why the other side says your doing just fine.

The uneasiness I am feeling has come from the worry of possibly not meeting my own expectations. I have a tight comfort zone with boundaries I dare cross. But something has been attracting me from outside those boundaries. I’ve put a foot out, one inch at a time… but I bring it back in, each time moving it further then the last.

I have set expectations for myself and with these expectations come strict rules that do not allow me to leave the comfort zone…. but curiosity is pushing me out. I am not sure what is outside that zone but I want to find out. I need to find out. I must explore it.

This was not part of the plan. “Stay within those boundaries and do not leave”. What I didn’t expect was a need to be out in the world. Like a bee attracted to honey. My expectations are beginning to shift slowly, making my comfort zone wider. With every new adventure and achievement, my uneasiness flares. I am experiencing something new, outside of my comfort zone. The more I inch out the wider the zone grows. But it takes time for the zone to grow after stepping out of the boundaries. That is when uneasiness enters me. That is when I’m most aware of my surroundings. That is the feeling of growth.

Her.

Her skin,melanin.

Her hair, natural.

Her eyes, magical.

Her lips, soft.

Her breast, attractive.

Her body, voluptuous.

Her spirit, beautiful.

Signed, Ebony E. Hall 👑

Let us be the Present.

Let us not forget who we are and who we have worked to become.

Let’s not settle for less, exposing ourselves to unnecessary stress.

Let’s laugh and love the souls who strengthens us.. who push us to go farther and who help us see the good in life.

Let us meditate, enjoy the solitude, and listen for the answers we crave. For the quietest moments reveal one’s deepest thoughts.

Let us gain understanding and self love. And let’s be optimistic about what the future holds.

Let us not fear to fail, you know they say a saint was just a sinner who fell down.

Let us continue to grow and let’s not be afraid to love. Dear, love is God’s greatest gift.

Let us see the beauty in ourselves. Strive to be better. And uplift someone who has fallen.

Let us not betray our friends and let’s forgive our foes. For we only get this life once.

Let us travel and sing, and dance and scream.

Let us always say what’s on our mind and not fear what others think.

Let us be humbled by the past and worry less about the future.

Let us focus on the now.

Signed, Ebony E. Hall 👑

Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

– Bil Keane

Claude

A dream last night has brought sorrow over me.

We packed the open wounds that cancer caused as it ate away your flesh.

The more we packed the more wounds opened, until I realized there was no saving you.

This is were my dream ended.

If I think about you to long my heart starts to ache.

I have accepted you are gone and in a better place but I am selfish in a way because I want you to be here.

Everything I have done and continue to do is for you.

That promise I made before you went home will never be broken.

God had a plan.

I remember you blurted out “Has anybody prayed for me?” And the room grew quiet.

The next day you slept all day and I googled “how to pray”.

I wasn’t sure how to pray so I laid my hands on you and read a prayer off the page.

You changed my life forever.

Everything is a lot brighter these days.

But I would’ve chosen the dark forever if you could have stayed.

I love you.

– Ebony

Storytime: Uneasy #4

It’s been a while since I’ve added to uneasy. So I’ll tell you a story that has been on my mind for the past few days.

The year must have been 2012 because I know for a fact that I was 18. Since age 11 years had been difficult and it seemed that they got worse every year, but 18 was another level that I was just not prepared for. This whirlwind of promiscuity began midway through 2010 and it continued for what felt like a lifetime. For some reason the word abuse comes to mind when I think of the encounters I had during my late teens. Abuse is a strong word and doesn’t always mean physically. Abuse also applies that there is a victim. For me I was the victim AND the abuser for allowing the mistreatment that I received. I feel I should make that clear before I go on.

Back to the story..

I dropped out of school midway through my senior year a month before New Years (2011). The months following that I was stuck in the house with no car and no friends. Everyone I knew where still in school getting ready for prom and graduation. My reasoning for dropping out was simple.. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t go another day being teased. My anxiety was through the roof and depression had consumed me, I just couldn’t take anymore.

It seemed time had slowed down. That year after dropping was the absolute longest year ever. I slept 12 hours (literally half the day) so I could get through the other half. At times I would drink a bottle of night quil, usually consuming at least 3/4 of the bottle to be sure that I would sleep through the night. During this time I had not been diagnosed or treated for major depressive disorder and anxiety although I had been living with it since “forever”. Anyways I found solace in the internet. In this world I was desirable. In this world is where I found affection. I had also decided that I needed to learn how to not be so vulnerable and this way I would be in control of my emotions and not become so attached… Well I f***ed up because that’s exactly what happened.

I digress..

.

.

I typed the story and still I am not 100% ready to tell. So it was deleted.

.

.

So with that I would like to end this by saying that you can hurt yourself more than anyone ever could. I was never beat up or raped or anything crazy like that. I just allowed people to use me. But then there’s the question, “How can you be used if you allowed and even welcomed the mistreatment?”.

-Ebony

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” – N.R. Narayana Murthy

Story time: Uneasy #4

It’s been a while since I’ve added to uneasy. So I’ll tell you a story that has been on my mind for the past few days.

The year must have been 2012 because I know for a fact that I was 18. Since age 11 years had been difficult and it seemed that they got worse every year, but 18 was another level that I was just not prepared for. This whirlwind of promiscuity began midway through 2010 and it continued for what felt like a lifetime. For some reason the word abuse comes to mind when I think of the encounters I had during my late teens. Abuse is a strong word and doesn’t always mean physically. Abuse also applies that there is a victim. For me I was the victim AND the abuser for allowing the mistreatment that I received. I feel I should make that clear before I go on.

Back to the story..

I dropped out of school midway through my senior year a month before New Years (2011). The months following that I was stuck in the house with no car and no friends. Everyone I knew where still in school getting ready for prom and graduation. My reasoning for dropping out was simple.. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t go another day being teased. My anxiety was through the roof and depression had consumed me, I just couldn’t take anymore.

It seemed time had slowed down. That year after dropping was the absolute longest year ever. I slept 12 hours (literally half the day) so I could get through the other half. At times I would drink a bottle of night quil, usually consuming at least 3/4 of the bottle to be sure that I would sleep through the night. During this time I had not been diagnosed or treated for major depressive disorder and anxiety although I had been living with it since “forever”. Anyways I found solace in the internet. In this world I was desirable. In this world is where I found affection. I had also decided that I needed to learn how to not be so vulnerable and this way I would be in control of my emotions and not become so attached… Well I f***ed up because that’s exactly what happened.

I digress..

.

.

I typed the story and still I am not 100% ready to tell. So it was deleted.

.

.

So with that I would like to end this by saying that you can hurt yourself more than anyone ever could. I was never beat up or raped or anything crazy like that. I just allowed people to use me. But then there’s the question, “How can you be used if you allowed and even welcomed the mistreatment?”.

-Ebony

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” – N.R. Narayana Murthy

Dear Dairy: 1/14/18 12:26pm

Dairy is a set of blogs that will follow my mood through the late Fall, Winter, and Early Spring months. Usually, when daylight savings ends this is the beginning of a very difficult season for me (November – March). You will see this through my writings. So they may be very emotional! What I write is what I’m feeling at the moment, even if it is fictional. I’m so excited to put those current feelings on “paper”. I feel they will benefit me in the future. You will also notice when Spring arrives my mood will lighten up dramatically.

At this moment I’m feeling sick. Over the past few weeks I’ve had trouble being home without being agitated. Some mornings I have cried and I’m not sure why. I feel angry, I mean extremely pissed off to the point where I feel like I could throw things and scream.. but my eyes fill with tears instead.

Now I can’t help but wonder, why am I so angry? It’s not like me at all. And who am I angry with?… I have no reason to be angry.

But to end this on a positive note. I know I am on the right track to being who I was meant to be and although I am feeling “angry” I am still having a pretty good winter, it’s been the best yet!

Scarlet’s letter

There are different names for a woman who gets around. We are the bottom of the barrel. Trash. We deserve no respect. We come last and not fit for society. We are looked over and laughed at. We are not worthy of love.

I’ve been celibate for going on four years but scarlet is stamped across my forehead, embedded in my memory. Scarlet is part of me, no matter how much I cry or pray, my past promiscuous ways still haunt me.

What would I say to 16 year old me?

I would tell 16 year old me to love herself . I would beg her not to rush, just wait until you meet a nice guy. Don’t overlook the guy you don’t think is cool enough. I would tell her to stay away from the girls who have already given theirs’ up and to stop idolizing the girls on t.v. She needs to know that she can be attractive with her clothes on and everything that sparkles isn’t always gold. Put God first and everything else will fall into place. I would warn her that she will experience a horrible lost in a few years but she must be strong. I would tell her to stop fighting her mother, and don’t hold a grudge against her father, he won’t be here long. Also, do not fall in love with guys who ignore her and say bad things about her. Do not “hang out” with a guy after 11pm, he just wants sex. Do not allow a guy to drive her car, sleep in her home or spend her money. Never let a guy make decisions for her. Never beg someone to love her. Never involve herself with someone who may still have a girlfriend. Listen to that gut feeling that tells her something isn’t right. And if she does all of this anyways I would beg her to please forgive herself so she can move on in peace.

– Ebony

“What I am is how I came out. No one’s perfect and you just have to accept your flaws and learn to love yourself.” – Kelly Brook

Dear Dairy: 1.4.18 (2:36am)

As I lay and write this my body is at rest. It’s cold out, 27 degrees, but my warm apartment and bed has put me in a state of peace. My anxiety has acted up these last two weeks, but I’m sure it is from the constant interactions and busyness of the holiday season, along with the anticipation of the decision of being hired or let go.

Fortunately, for me, I was chosen to stay. I can’t help but to feel guilty about the ones who were let go. One in particular, an older lady who recently lost her husband. After she received the news a co-worker and myself got a chance to speak with her, she was completely distraught. I told my co-worker that I would’ve been upset but not that upset. As the day went on I couldn’t help but think of what she said during our conversation: “I did everything right”, “what more could I have done”, “I lost“. It was way deeper than just the job, she had taken blows left and right.

She looked at me angrily during that conversation, but I stood silent and listened to her. See, there’s a furious angry and a “I am hurt” angry. She was definitely hurt, and the way she looked at me didn’t bother me one bit. When we were alone I asked if she needed a hug and she said, “yes, I think I do”. We embraced in a tight hug and I told her it will be ok.

During my grieving (and breakdown) I would’ve gave anything for someone just to hug me, tell me I was going to make it and actually mean it.

-Ebony

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” – Rumi

Cobain

Im sure we all know by now that life can be cruel and not the peachy, perfect place we were all made to believe as children. I believe we all have a dark version of ourselves, hidden away in the back of our minds. A constant fight between immoral and moral. The wicked tugs at you. . Evil tugs at me.

Today, I awoke to darkness. The cold weather and absence of light made the perfect environment for the monster inside of me to awaken. It stirred inside of me all night, surrounded me and engulfed me with worry. Spoke to me, without words but through my dreams. The darkness was making its presence known.

Darkness comes in many forms. There’s anger and hatefulness, depression and anxiety. This evil creature will hurt the ones you love; infidelity, lying, manipulating, conniving. The son of a bitch is self-centered. Darkness doesn’t care about others, and if you allow it, Darkness consumes you. It feeds off of you.. sticks to you like a leech. It uses you.

Darkness will swallow you whole, pushing you deeper and deeper into its center. So deep that some can not escape, never escape. There’s nothing deeper than your mind. People whose darkness has not taken them wonder what hell is like, while we who are, or have been, in the darkness can tell you.

Darkness is a separation from mind and body. The body is an outer shell keeping you alive (food, water, shelter) while your mind is controlling your state of being. Your body can smile and laugh, while at the same time your mind is whispering how big of a disgrace you are. The mind controls the body, the perfect place for darkness to lure.

When a mind full of darkness takes control over the body, the results are tragic. Many times fatal. Darkness can be so overwhelming that both the body and mind will do anything to get out, including self-termination.

When darkness gains that much control in someone’s life, what they crave most, is to be free.

“If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.” – Kurt Cobain

-Ebony